Some years ago, Mission Statements were all the rage. Everybody had to have one. You’d think police procedure had changed at the time, and the cop who pulled you over for missing a Stop sign would lean in and say, “Driver’s license and Mission Statement, please.”
That was generally fine for us free-lance bullshitters (the actual job title on my business card, if I’d had any), but the fad did present huge challenges. It was difficult, for example, to stretch the Mission Statement for a stripper much beyond “I will strive diligently to wiggle rhythmically while taking off all my clothes.”
And did Ye Olde Bette’s Lampe Shoppe © really need explain itself?
Mission Statements were supposed to invoke Lofty Business Principles (which is an oxymoron, like Really Loving House-cats) and be honest, direct, and transparent.
Yet Eastern Airlines rejected my first draft, which was ‘We are utterly dedicated to providing huge dividends to our executives, to lose your luggage frequently, crash only occasionally, and then go bankrupt and not pay anybody what we owe.’
“No, no, no,” they complained. “Not enough adjectives and too negative.”
Yet they also turned down my second: ‘Our cherished aim is to richly and amply reward that creepy ex-astronaut for no longer running the company, to slash employee wages by a bountiful 70%, and only then go bankrupt and not pay anybody what we owe, which will benefit passengers by leading directly to less lost baggage and fewer of our occasional crashes.’
Which all shows how complicated and useless Mission Statements can be.
Still, let’s give it a shot for old time’s sake:
The foundation of this CHORTLES© web page is firmly fixed on the soaring salad of mixed metaphors, nonsense, and an unnatural love of beer. On every single day of every month of every year, CHORTLES© will publish a page of silly mirth, except on those many days when it doesn’t. This page will never solicit or accept money from its readers, unless that statement is interpreted as solicitation and money is sent. We will insult,
tease, and offend everyone and everything, except those few things we can all agree are good and fine (such as photosynthesis, baseball, and most beer brands).
(Except Wildcat, Pabst and all American beer.)
At CHORTLES© we will never research anything, as it cuts into drinking time and usually proves me wrong anyway. We will always play fast and loose with facts and figures, but will never intentionally lie, especially not about any of our 2,181,412 followers.
This site will strive not to seem stuffy, and thus will not use things like footnotes¹ (which nobody reads anyway¹¹) or “authentic quotations” – Teddy Roosevelt.
Instead, we commit to providing mirth and frivolity to the peoples of this entire globe, bringing peace and harmony to all. Then – after a leisurely and tax-deductible lunch – we will tackle such scourges as malaria, rickets, and CBC sitcoms.
NOTE: Now that’s a Mission Statement.
Not out of bitterness or anything, but: Take that, Eastern Airlines.
¹ – Yup….that’s one of these.
¹¹ – Hmmm. May have to research this.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
(By law, this is presented in a tiny format. This is always done, probably because there’s no sense wasting space on something that nobody pays attention to. The same principle applies to bankbooks, family photographs, and my son Tyler. Him
THIS SITE IS AVAILABLE FOR USE BY ANYONE WITH A DOCTOR’S LETTER. THOSE USERS WHO SUFFER FROM OVER-SENSITIVITY OR BEING EASILY OFFENDED SHOULD INSTEAD CONSIDER A LIFETIME IN A TRAPPIST MONASTERY. WHILE WE WELCOME VITRIOL AND PROFANITY AND POOR TASTE IN EVERYTHING, ALL OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE MUST BE SPELLED CORRECTLY. AFTER ALL, IF YOU’RE CLEVER ENOUGH TO USE NAUGHTY LANGUAGE FOR EFFECT, YOU SHOULD BE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MOTHAFUCKA; AM I RIGHT, YOU ARSE-FACED, PRICK-GOBBLING, SEMEN-SLURPING SLICE OF LOWER-THAN-MOLE-SHIT? THIS SITE WILL NOT TOLERATE DEROGATORY LANGUAGE DIRECTED TOWARDS ANY SPECIFIC GROUP OR PERSONS, EXCEPT CAT LOVERS (WHO ARE PATENTLY INSANE, AND POSSIBLY DANGEROUS). ALL OBSCENE TEXT AND IMAGES WILL BE IMMEDIATELY EXPUNGED, WHICH IS A NEAT WORD WITH WHICH I’M NOT FAMILIAR, BUT PROBABLY MEANS ADMIRED.