TEN BEST CARTOON CHARACTER NAMES EVER
Number Ten: Snaglepuss
Okay, yes. The cartoon was odd. But an animated mountain lion should absolutely be oddly named as Snaglepuss, which suits his vocabulary perfectly (“Heavens to Murgatroyd!”)
Honourable mentions to his weekly hunter nemesis: Major Minor.
Number Nine: Huey, Dewey and Louie
Controversy still rages over who the parents of this rambunctious trio were, but that’s just silly speculation about an absurd question that doesn’t even merit consideration. (The mother was Dolly. Don’t ask.) Donald Duck’s nephews never got the screen time they deserved and turned to drug abuse, but their perfectly rhyming triplet names endure.
Number Eight: Eeyore
I don’t usually take to glum, whiny, useless critters (see: housecats), but this little feller deserves a hug (and Prozac). His perfectly equine name (see: Flicka, American Pharoah, Nyquist) also sounds very much like the plaintive cry of a donkey. I know, because I grew up on a farm. (Don’t ask.)
Number Seven: Chip and Dale
The excellent handles for a pair of hyperactive rodents, these names derive from a line of fine furniture (see: Thomas Chippendale). If you’ve ever seen what hyperactive rodents can do to a couch, you’ll understand the connection. The names also sound very good in their Norwegian form (Snipp og Snapp), although exotic male dance companies by that name have not been successful.
We interrupt this list with an important news bulletin. In the course of research just a few minutes ago, a beer-swilling blogger has uncovered what may be the biggest story of 2018; One with worldwide implications. Incredibly, it seems that this dated, silly animated character:
is identical to this silly, dated animated character:
dob: 1946 1946*
place: New York, NY New York, NY
father: Billionaire Billionaire
Hair: Fair, quirky Fair, quirky
Personality: Spoiled, demanding Spoiled, demanding
* – 1st appearance in 1953 as 7 yr. old
Further investigation reveals that both are rich, but bothered by an inability to make friends. Both have chauffeurs and dress impeccably. Both have made frequent comic appearances. Both favour red neckties. It is likely that they are either the same person, or (more likely) identical twins separated at birth. Either way, it is certainly a frightening thought that an animated character can actually come to life and become president. But stranger things have happened (see: Kardashians; Millionaires and Trump: Elected.)
DO NOT BE ALARMED. DO NOT PANIC. A BEER-SWILLING BLOGGER WILL MONITOR DEVELOPMENTS AROUND THE CLOCK (except for during beer runs, Jeopardy!©, and a good night’s sleep). UPDATES WILL FOLLOW.
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED LIST
Number Six: Quick Draw McGraw
T’was the sixties, see? You couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing a Western, where stoic cowboys stood up to rustlers and Injuns and bad guys in black hats, all of whom would get bloodlessly shot just before the final credits. By some calculations (namely mine) more people were killed in 1960’s Westerns (especially Rifleman, even though it was but thirty minutes long) than formed the entire population of the USA (63 million). So what’s more perfect than a horse with a fashion sense who peacefully tames the frontier and has a solid equine name? Which also rhymes. And is better than real ones of the Ol’ West: Buffalo Bill, Calamity Jane, Wild Bill Hickok. Meh………
Number Five: Heckle and Jeckle
For readers today, think of these two wise-cracking, cynical magpies as the two gallery grouches on The Muppets, except that they’re black and have wings and names and…oh, never mind. (See how lists make us stupid? Told you.) I always thought they had memorable names, and when a flock of black, jabbering, pushy birds were squawking at my feeder last year I learned that magpies are also known as greckles, which makes their names even more perfect.
Number Four: Pepe LePew
Usually, the Loony Tunes people doled out fairly normal names to their characters: Bugs, Sylvester, Elmer, Granny, Marvin, and Sam (see: Yosemite). And then they hit upon this gem that somehow mixes Latino and French and ties in with a skunk-y smell to boot. Pepe’s a short, randy, malodorous rodent always desperate for amorous adventure, like Harvey Weinstein, but without a bathrobe.
And with a much better name.
Number Three: Foghorn Leghorn
Aristocratic. Loud. Southern-Gentlemanly.
“Ah-seh. ah-seh, ah-seh….that’s not a chicken….” Perfection.
His voice is like a Foghorn. And Leghorn is a breed of poultry. Together, they reflect the what an animated chicken should be. (A real one should not talk, and be marinated before cooking.)
Number Two: Pebbles Flintstone
At a time when we young’uns knew for sure that adults never had sex, it was mind-blowing that the show I Love Lucy took on new carnal meaning when she went from having pies in the face to a bun in the oven. Then, even cartoon adults got into the (sex) act when Fred and Wilma obviously had coitus between episodes to produce this sweet thing. It was very discombobulating to young lads. (What? Even illustrations are getting laid, and I’m not!!!!!!) All was forgiven when she was named Pebbles, keeping with the show’s stony theme. She loses points by later marrying the ridiculously-named Bam-Bam Rubble, but I have two daughters not named Pebbles…. and two exes. Coincidence? I think not.
Number One: Spongebob Squarepants¹
This perfectly funny cartoon character (Seasons One and Two only) has the perfectly funny name (Forever). He’s a household type sponge, see? And he wears square pants.
But they could have gone many ways with that; Mostly wrong.
Really, would Seymoursponge Rectangulartrousers have worked? Try to imagine the theme song…..
No…What we have here is a perfect four beats of single syllables for the perfect cartoon character. (Seasons One and Two only.)
¹ – also Squidward, Plankton and their home, Bikini Bottom