But If We Ever Did Use Them, Our Lists Would Look Like This




Number Ten: BooBoo Bear.

What was that all about? He was smarter, happier and livelier than Yogi, but he’s saddled with a stupid name indicating MISTAKE. I always hoped the ranger would turn Yogi into a fireplace rug, and my bouncy friend would forever be the one outsmarting the average ranger.

Number Nine: Wile E. Coyote.

This name gets some marks for rhyme, but was obviously a bit of acoyote reach since there’s no such name as Wile. Had the writers waited a few years, they could have used the name of that actor on television’s ER: Wylie Whatever, or Whatever Wylie.


Number Eight: Dumbo

dumboOh. come on. He endures the abuse of his mother, her ugly death, and those taunts about his big ears. Then he learns to speak the Mouse language with his friend Timothy. After that – while his elephant relatives are lifting logs in India and standing on their hind legs for Barnum and Bailey – he actually flies.

For all this genius, someone named him Dumbo, which is insane. Flyo, Soaringo, Amazingo, Inspiringo maybe.  But Dumbo? Nope. That’s  just plain dumb-o.

Numbers Seven to Four: The Berenstein Bears.

Berenstein Bears
“You see, cubs, we can’t have more children ‘cuz we ran out of names”

Kids today don’t have a chance, starting out as they did subjected to this inane fluff-ball of flawed logic. Yes, the parents are called Mama and Papa Bear, but not just by their young.  By every frigging body in town! It’s the name on their mailbox. Even the grandparents call them Mama and Papa Bear, which is very disturbing in itself.

These are impossibly stupid given names, though, since THEY WERE NEITHER MAMA NOR PAPA BEFORE MATING! Similarly, Brother Bear is first-born, but HE WASN’T A BROTHER THEN! And if Sister had instead come along as a male cub, WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE NAMED IT: OTHER-BROTHER BEAR?

Dumb, dumb, dumb. The only possible explanation is that this vapid ursine clan is in the Witness Protection Program, possibly connected somehow to that whole Goldilocks carnage thing. Or maybe to that very odd………

……Number Three: Little Bear

Little Bear

And is that name going to stick when this evil-looking fanged fellow grows into a lumbering, towering vampire bear?

Otherwise, he does have a vague resemblance to the moronic Berenstein bunch, and his moniker suits their dull naming patterns. He could certainly be the missing Other-Brother Bear.

(And dare we ask why he’s the only naked bear in the show?)

Number Two: Goofygoofy

Oh Walt, Walt, Walt; What were you thinking? The others get solid names like Mickey, Donald, Dolly, and Gus, but you saddle this happy, loyal buddy with an insult. Look at your story-board, Walt: this guy’s an awful lot brighter dog than the yapping other one is. He walks and talks and wears clothes and doesn’t live on a leash, yet Pluto gets the cool name. He’s stuck with being Goofy, just because he speaks slowly and puts his hand to his snout a lot, just like I do when I blurt out something like “You’re such a slut, Allie”, or “I think I’m gonna hork.”

Number One: Lotta

Little LottaGather round, Kids; Uncle Bobby wants to tell you about a time when comics were young.

Believe it or not – every month for eight years – a witty crew issued a comic about a little girl who couldn’t help but eat every food she saw. This, of course, hilariously made her the size and shape of a UPS truck, which lent itself to such uproarious comic covers as Little Lotta using ship sails as an umbrella, or getting stuck in the bath-tub.

Oh, but those were fun times. Imagine such funny creativity today: the skinny little Irish girl named Anne O’Rexia. Or the autistic young genius named Goofy.

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